Mastering the art of comparison
For the past several weeks, I’ve been noticing myself becoming a master at the art of comparison. I’ve been finding an aching voice in my head, daily and nearly all throughout the day, that’s comparing myself to other people, to my best friends, to my family, to strangers online, and to the expectations I have of myself — you know the ones, those thoughts of “oh, I should be farther along by now…”
I’ve been comparing myself financially — “I don’t have as much money as them… what have I done wrong? Where do I keep messing up? I’m such a failure…”
I’ve been comparing myself professionally — “Why am I not making the impact I want to be making? What am I doing wrong? I’m not working hard enough, not as hard as they are. I need to do better…”
I’ve been comparing myself relationally — “Why am I alone? I wish I had what they had. I wish I had that comfort. Their relationship is perfect. What have I done wrong? I’m too old now.”
I’ve been comparing myself materialistically — “My house isn’t as pretty as theirs. My style isn’t as pretty or clean. I look cheap. I’m not enough. You can tell I’m just a farm boy.”
I’ve been comparing myself emotionally — “You’re actually not depressed; you’re playing a victim and making a big deal out of nothing. You did this to yourself. It’s your own fault. No one else is complaining, so stop talking. Work harder.”
I’ve been comparing myself physically — “I can’t lift as much as them. I’m weak and not trying hard enough. My body isn’t as built as theirs. I’m not as good sexually as they are. Do better. You’re not working hard enough.”
These messages are strong. And they are loud.
I know exactly where they are coming from and why they’ve been increasingly prevalent lately. It’s almost like they’ve been bubbling under the surface for the past few years, but the recent several months have given them an opportunity to thrive.
Shame is my lovely little house guest that came to visit me one day for a playdate when I was a child — and still hasn’t left. Shame sits at my dinner table, hogs all my food, makes a mess of the kitchen, destroys the rest of the house, parties all night and keeps me up, and mocks me all the while.
I try my best to pick up after shame, to keep him satisfied and on his best behavior for when joy, gratitude, peace, happiness, love, connection, compassion, and kindness come over to visit the house — unfortunately, shame often misbehaves, causing a scene, leading to my embarrassment. Shame has control over me.
And this is where my recent comparison is coming from — shame.
Comparison is a function of perfectionism, and perfectionism is a function of shame.
The recent magnitude of changes in my life have been entrance points for shame to smack me across the face. A divorce has been the impetus — all of the changes that come with it have been the driving factors: the guilt of separation, a new home, changes in bills and finances, new routines, new loneliness, new environments.
An increase in life changes as a result of my decision and need for self-care has resulted in an increase in instability. An increase in instability leads to a pervasiveness of shame saying “get your act together and pretend like you are fine and nothing is bothering you!” It’s a boot camp commander yelling at me with a megaphone as I’m crumbling trying to finish the obstacle course.
This increase in change redirects my attention to others — often, the people closest to me — and I begin comparing and shaming myself— they have their act together, so why don’t you? Logically, I know our situations are completely different, our backgrounds are completely unique, and our life stories are completely individualized, but I still can’t help but to default back to the side-by-side analysis of where they are vs. where I am.
And the kicker is shame’s necessitation for silence. Shame is narcissistic, and it only cares about itself — so, it’ll take anything and anyone down that stands in its way, including us ourselves. Shame only cares about surviving, and so it’ll send us messages of “you’re not good enough, shut up, don’t talk about it” in order for it to continue marching along and taking control of our lives.
That’s why this post is so important. This post is me attempting to take the power back from my shame — or at least begin to do so. It’s my effort of silencing the thing that’s trying to silence me. Even more, in sharing here, I hope that my experience can give at least one other person the safety and comfort in knowing they are not alone, prompting their courage in sharing their own story for the reduction of their own shame.
Recently, I came across this quote:
“Comparison is an act of violence against the self.”
— Iyanla Vanzant
In my non-shame-filled mind, I refuse to commit violence against myself.
So:
Yeah, I am going through a divorce, and I am financially behind my peers, and I do go to bed alone every night, and I don’t have the nicest or newest things, and I am chronically depressed, and I’m not as strong as other people. These are simply facts.
But I’m going through a divorce because I realized I was unhappy, and I realized I was causing someone so much more hurt than love, and I realized I deserved peace. I am financially behind my peers because I own a small business, I keep my prices low to help people, and I work in a historically under-paying field. I’m also growing, day by day, step by step, piece by piece. I may go to bed alone every night, but I’m fulfilled with the greatest of love in so many other ways, and I’m blessed with people who are so much more than I could ever dream of and so much more than I deserve. I may be chronically depressed, but this gives me insight into the experiences of others to be a source of support through other’s experiences, too, helping them know they are not alone. I’m not as strong as other people, but I’m getting stronger.
And I have so much to be grateful for — my family is alive and well. My loved ones and friends provide me with so much comfort, care, and companionship. I ate today, I drank water and coffee, and I’m able to do the work that fulfills my heart and soul. I’m able to work for myself. I have a safe roof over my head. I know how to take care of my mental health. My body can do great things. And I’m getting better one day at a time.
So, if you are struggling with comparison yourself, here’s what you do:
Notice it and name your emotions without judgment
Explore where comparison is coming from (and why)
Embrace gratitude.
Things will be okay. Everything works out. Comparison is just a communication device saying “you need to give yourself some love.”
I’m so proud of you, and I’m right here with you.